I was tearing the house apart looking for that elusive red crow.. he was acquired quite some time ago for one of mine and slips away every time I look for him. It was right in the midst of the frantic search that I found the old letter from my mother. Every year around this time, it finds its way to me.. old pain needing to be dealt with.. one of two biding their time in my life waiting for true release. For 17ish years I’ve kept this letter with me, and for 17ish years I’ve gone through the process – read, break down, return to hiding and try to forget its existence. To make this short, as I’m not so much into the super-personal reveals, the relationship is not a good thing. Actually, the relationship is over.. long time over, by my hand and I am so much the better for it. I know this.. but still there is the letter to attend to.
As I said, it shows up once a year to remind me.. well, I’m not sure of exactly what.. that sometimes the hard choices, even the right ones, have lingering effects on one’s soul? But then, they are the hard choices for a reason.. we must not forget their lessons. And so, I started the process, bracing for the painful flood.. but this time it wasn’t so bad. There was very little regret, very few tears, and an overwhelming realization that it was okay.. much better even.. one down. I don’t think I will need it anymore, the letter. I decided that, in keeping with the eight of cups waiting for its place on the altar, I would be setting it aflame and moving on. What about the second? Well, I am not so sure that I want to be rid of that pain just yet. Being of the most traumatic period in my life, I think it is good for me to keep that one around.. a reminder of the dangers of giving up too much of oneself and how the looming tower card in all its destruction can bring growth.