a few ugly truths


I woke up this morning after a restless night full of nagging head voices. I needed to speak my truths, such as they are. I had something to say and a point to make. I left out under the guise of an errand, pulled off to the roadside at the first bit of wooded I could find, and just went in to ponder such that I wanted to say..

I am a small pagan with a small voice. It’s true, I am not out and about as much as I should be in the community as such, beautiful people as I am sure that they are out there. Sometimes I wish for a bigger voice, but then again.. that’s not me. I am solitary by nature and I like it. It is who I am. I just like being outside, feet in the dirt, doing what I do. I stepped to the left (way left) of that box I found myself in many years ago to pursue my true spiritual and never looked back. No one particularly understood, or really got where I was being called, and maybe some didn’t like where I was going.. and all of that was okay with me. I knew I needed something different. I much prefer to do. This is my ugly truth (to some, maybe not so much to me), I do not leave my solitary to venture into community much at all. I only need my spirit, and I’m happy with that.

A year(ish?) ago, my friend Walking Bear sent someone to me that would change my little sphere of solitary. When he called, I said something in the way of “you know I don’t like people”. I am also sometimes painfully blunt, another ugly truth, but we will get to that. In anyways, he said tough noodles.. or something to the effect of that.. she needs a person. Even if in the just passing, it is needed. Here is my next ugly truth.. I am no teacher, I never aspire to be and I lack so many things that a good teacher needs. I lack that ego, that thing that drives one to want to pull their flock about them and lead/inspire. I don’t need a flock – I just need my roots, my dead things, and my spirit.

Here’s that other mentioned ugly truth –  I speak what I think. Sometimes it is blunt and uncomfortable. Sometimes it makes sense only to me. I have a terrible twisted (sometimes morbid, sometimes dirty) sense of humor. I should say things in my head before I say them out loud, but I rarely do. I lack the poetics of flowery speech that people so love to hear. When I speak what I want to speak, though, it is for a reason (usually.. sometimes I just ramble). It is my hope to spark that seed that makes one think about things in a different manner. A seed to think. A seed to do. A seed to be. It’s not pretty. It just is. I am blunt, I am honest, and most of all.. I am free. I don’t have to worry over anyone telling me it should be this or it should be that in my spiritual. I am free to practice and do as I feel the call.. that is who I am in my spirit. No one has to like it, or listen.. I am free.. and I am a sucky choice for imparting anything.

I can’t remember every nuance of the folklore or shape of the leaf. I don’t really feel the need, for that matter. I have books to look it up if necessary. I just don’t always feel it necessary. They will tell me what I need to know, where I need to be.. those roots, those spirits, that dirt. Mostly I am an intuitive worker bee, a simple worker bee.. no great keeper of knowledge and definately no teacher.. and, I am rambling again (this time cantankerously). What I am, though, is a great supporter. Those who know me well, know that.. or at least that I try to be. If I make a friend (I make very few, again – I enjoy my sphere of solitary), then I will stand by them in the forever. Even if I never see them for years upon years, I will still stand by them.. that is one of my better truths and I strive to keep to that. Now, back to the beginning of then, as I’ve gone off track..

Walking Bear is one of my greatest friends, he is my people.. I love him and his spirit is strong. He is the one I respect above all others and often, whether he wants to be or not, he is my compass. He said she needed a person, and I was going to do my best. I hope I have. I hope I’ve brought to her half as much as she has brought to me. This is how my fellow hedger came into my life. Eventually, she brought me more, and they have enriched my life in ways that I cannot even begin to say. And I said to her (back in that beginning) what I said to him – I am no teacher but I can share with you how I walk my path. Maybe you will find something there. We can support each other and find our way.. we can walk our paths and learn together. We still are, all of us.. each helping the others on our way. It is a great and humbling thing when I sit down to think about it, like I did in the woods today.

When I first met her (and let me point out that I am not discounting my other lovely souls.. they have great and wonderful gifts, it is just that I am eventually getting to a point), I felt the spirits whispering around her. I don’t have to say anything to that, if you were to meet her and take the time to listen.. you would feel them too. It just is. She will do great things in the all, I can feel it. She has a tiny voice but she is out there in the community and it will get bigger. You should listen. You should all listen. You don’t have to like it or agree. Some of you may want to hitch a ride, and that is a good thing. She will plant that seed and bring that movement. We all need movement no matter where we are in our standing in our spiritual. She will bring it. Her voice will grow. Which brings me (finally) to my point – I can only hope that if you have found a voice out there, regardless of where you stand, you will support that person. All our voices are valid.. big, small, or growing. We need more support in each other. We need movement. We need open eyes and open hearts. We need to encourage our growing voices.



7 thoughts on “a few ugly truths

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