my garden is mocking me


Seriously, it is. It is wild and erratic, overgrown yet again due to my inability (well, inaction) to go out and put it right.. much like my emotion of late. I am a being ruled by emotion it seems.. at least for the now. This is a bit new to me as I never get the warm fuzzies.. not unfeeling, mind you.. I am just (normally) ruled by logic and okay, maybe a bit of detachment. I am much more comfortable letting said emotion be shut away to its proper place to be examined (and dealt with) at the more appropriate times. My ability to feel too deep was beaten out of me long ago.. but then came this sliver of fire, and it has been a bit of a go of late. I’m handling it.. or being handled.. or something like that. I am somewhat learning to deal with it,  in the anyways.

At first I thought it might be the subtle change in season, bringing me these strange butterflies. Or maybe the emotional state of others leaking in? Perhaps I rubbed against Heron’s thorns too hard? No, no.. I realized it was the fire I saw so early on, that fire I had so misinterpreted. I had it in my mind that said fire was centered around this one thing, but now I think that one thing was just a catalyst.. a spark of something to come. That something completely blindsided my hard earned control. I had read things all wrong. Don’t you just hate when that happens? I do. I had just realized it all a few hours before Walking Bear landed at the house, what that fire was representative of.. oh fates, you twisted bitches with your difficult lessons. I realized it all while sitting there watching the garden mock me. I won’t be speaking overmuch of my time with him that day.. too personal. Cin sent him to set me right (I know she did), and she was spot on as usual. I needed his visit. I will just leave it at that.

I have been carrying around this rough piece of carnelian for weeks now. When I hold it, I swear I can almost feel it pulse. It feels alive in my hands and seems to help me level that emotion.. or more like I pick it up when I’m feeling overmuch. I find it hard to explain. It is a fiery orange and pitted with scars. I feel quite a connection to it. And so around it goes with me for the now.. so I can feed it my heart, my emotions.. those little slivers of myself unshared that I contemplate while I hold it. It’s a little scarred, like I said, and I think that’s what endears it to me. It’s beautiful even with its many marred spots. I found it calling to me months ago in Heron’s shop, so I brought it home. Still, I had not really picked it up until the fire came for me.

Among other things, carnelian is a stone of motivation and endurance. It is a stone of courage. It is a stone of clarity. Traditionally it is worn to enhance passion, love and desire. Referred to as “the setting sun” by the ancient Egyptians (crystalvaults), they identified it with the receptive or passive female energies.. they also used it for protection, both for the living and for the dead. I think I will take the endurance and clarification, assuming that I get to choose.. and maybe some of the protection. It’s elemental ruler is fire, of course. I was told, once again, to go into the woods.. this time to figure and heal. I am not sure that I am quite the ready, maybe when the cold comes.. the cards spoke to me of something coming with the cold. I do plan to take with me this stone (if it sticks around), my bear tooth (which I also carry around of late), and the small hummingbird Walking Bear gifted me. Hopefully I will come out sorted.



8 thoughts on “my garden is mocking me

  1. I do so love the crystals, rough or smooth they each have their own unique energy to share. Feeling very deeply can feel like both a blessing and a curse, be careful with yourself now that you’ve noticed a deepening of your ability to feel. Even if its not the emotions of other breaking in now that you’re more open if you’re going to a busy place I’d suggest a little bit of black tourmaline for protection.

  2. I love carnelian. It was my best friend and my advocate during a very rough, and yet empowering time in my life. I had a beautiful carnelian ring that I wore everyday to give me strength and courage to forge on. Then one day it was gone. I lost it and never found it again, but it had done its job. Keep yours close to you.

  3. Carnelian and I dance the dance quite often, when I need it most. I do love the rough, flawed carnelians, more so than the polished ones, for their reminder that passion and gratification is a textured and whole-some thing. You are not alone in the upheaval of emotions, and the fugue of thoughts that this current cycle is churning. I know you know, and will persevere, but another Witches’ Wine and Dine may be in order very soon, for both our sakes. As of last night mu fire pit is ready for autumn burnings. Much love to you. 🙂

  4. 🙂 yes, I think you are right.. we must schedule as soon as I get back from my “vacation”, lol.. I am so glad that I am not alone in this at least and that the current cycle is not just beating me up.. selfish thought that that is 😉 We will plot and plan my friend.. plot and plan..

  5. Michelle – even though you wrote this a month and a half ago, and i am finally getting time to read it, its funny because recently in a resale store that did not deal with such things i found this nice smooth piece of carnelian, orange on top and white circles underneath. It seemed a nice carry around worry stone filled with the sun’s fading energies. BTW carnelian comes from carnal meaning flesh, so it is good for the body and blood. Blessings oh southern one not covered in snow as we are,…

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