I enter the forest line, following Baba.. she appears suddenly in my face.. she barks “pay attention!!” She takes me to the river and a giant spider walks by in the background. It is a place I know. She leads me into the water and I lay down. I am floating on my back. Let go.. let go.. and I am trying. Small spiders cover my body and a snake wraps up out to the water around my ankles to coil up around my torso. It rests its head on my chest as it’s body pulls up to rest laying on me.. it is red. I am trying to become one with the water. She is frustrated and lays a big turtle shell over my face.. it smells of dank sour mold and rotting leaves, it smells of her. “Silence!!” she says as everything is blocked out.
The night before, I had dreamed of a beach filled with dead birds. Some were in open holes and some just laying on the sand. The one I touched, woodpecker to mockingbird, left blood on my hands.
I had just given away something most wanted to spirit, passing it to her in an olive bowl. I was told I could not do it alone, and so I had to let it go. Tears were streaming down my face. I realized later that that which I gave up required more than just me.. and when I walked out onto the bird strewn beach, I was alone. I woke from the dream hearing my other given name.
Days later we went to the river to greet the sun. We had three stones – one for each of us and one to hold the space.. I was sad. A random friend wandered in to join and before leaving, said “It is the beginning and the end.” “Yes”, said thought.. although that was not what he was referring to.
More days later, someone I love gave me two stones – a labradorite and an apophylite. She said that I had been on her mind. Grounding and healing.. I have been spending much time with the latter. I had developed angry edges on my sad and holding the stone feels very softening. I should have listened to Baba and kept my silence.
I went back to the river a few days ago for the full moon. I did not take the stones or hold any space. I realize things will be as they are needed to. I asked the moon to help guide me through this movement, and I quietly let things go as best I could.. it’s complicated. I no longer felt sad.