I spent some time really looking at The Fool card before asking it to show me its spirit and tucking it away under my pillow. In my deck it is called The Wanderer and feels very liminal to me. It’s cloudy beneath The Fool’s bare feet.. one which is firm connecting to the earth and one poised to take that step into the unknown. The rainbow shows a path but The Fool cannot see what he is about to cross. His hands are out in surrender or welcome, the forest ahead is both menacing and full of mystery; and his back is to me.. is he willingly going forward or turning away from a situation which no longer serves? It feels like a pause to me. There is a face in the trees and something beckoning in the distance. It reminds me of a recent time when I had to make a choice in path to leave the road I started on, sure this was what I wanted and discovering that in fact it was just a connecting path to new friends and an even newer undertaking.. and again just this past weekend of a leaving behind of some things.
“Your goal is to make the cards an extension of you”.. such was the beginning of the course. I am taking 78 Days of Tarot which so far has been a spirit shaker.. and has found its way to me at the most perfect time.
I actually brushed up against The Fool early in the year, leaving a path that turned out not mine. In between that brush and when I took his hand, I spent some time breathing in the cleansing air rolling off the ocean with Walking Bear. It was the third anniversary of my fathers passing. Already so much had passed in the Wheel’s previous turn.
Soon after came a weekend of truths, giving me a view from the other side.. albeit in a different situation. This plunged me into a deep depression- the kind we are not supposed to talk about. I wanted to walk away from everything in life and spiritual. I was tired.. but then came Walking Bear’s call and slowly things moved back to okay.
The Shaman looks directly at me in challenge.. the answer is there but am I ready to know it? The spirals on his body make me think of cycles and the skulls about him are the knowledge keepers. He is draped in the skin of Bear as if they are one. This is a familiar card to me as it sits opposite the Seer in my deck and not only does he show when I need to hear my brother’s voice in my head, but when I find them together in the same reading then I know it has to do with us both. This card, when I pull it, is almost always Walking Bear.
“There are two sides to every story and the truth usually lies somewhere in the middle.”
This morning I drew the five of arrows.. frustration. I had to ask myself once again if I was the archer or if I was the goat.. and again, I was both. Last time I pulled this card I had gotten hurt pretty badly.
Yes, I am absent. Yes, I am lacking in providing the level of support you seem to expect. Yes, I am not a good friend in your eyes. I see all of your points and I understand where they are coming from. I have things holding my time that you may not deem important.. but I do, and maybe that could have been addressed with me directly. I can only do what I can do.. and I have made my peace.
*snick* I am closing that door, I cannot live up to your expectations, nor will I try to.
The other side:
I put on my big girl panties (by this time very worn and tattered.. I may need a new pair) and opened the discussion. Brutal honesty was given in the hopes of some sort of resolution.. there was not one. I could not truly summon the level of sympathy asked for. In the end, I didn’t like myself very much.. but it is what it is.
*snick* I am closing the door, it is time for me to step away.
The Seer is enveloped in the wisdom of owl, skull suspended from her neck. Her cloak echoes the Shaman’s. There is a carving of a Labyrinth supporting her vessel, filled with the reflective waters.. but her eyes are closed. She does not need it to see. The tree seems to whisper to her from behind as its roots reach out toward her.
Today was my walk with The Seer and I spent it trying to embrace silence.. but silence would not come. All of these things were still floating around in thought. I do not know the truth of the middle, I have only my truths to live by. The Seer stands in that middle, she is the gateway keeper and sometimes that is a painful place to be.
*snick-snick-snick* I close the door on the path not mine, I close the door on expectations that I cannot fulfill, I close the door on relationships that no longer serve; and though I may find myself sometimes in the middle.. I do not fear turning my back and walking off into the unseen. I am three days into this course, and already I have found so much..