A few new moons ago had me pulling “worth” from the moon deck – teaching your inner negative Nancy to be more supportive, and freeing yourself from critical thoughts towards body and worth. I honestly felt that I didn’t need that work. However, as I took the time to pay more attention to how I saw and spoke of myself, I realized that I did – the deflecting, the pulling away from affection, the joking self deprecation, and even my lack of caring for myself on most days.
I was having trouble making peace with my new form. My body and self worth had indeed changed. In this new I cannot be as spry, my sleepless habits can be read in the lines on my face, and I am quite a bit rounder than I have ever been. Yes, I had been quietly shaming myself for longer than I cared to admit.
Over the next few weeks, I started the process of organizing most of that which makes up my day to day in order to simplify and take back my worth inside and out. My work closet (because we all know it’s the clothes fault that I feel hideous and unkempt) is down to five tops and a few pairs of jeans that will make morning life easier.. bonus points for less laundry and not sacrificing feeling like I put myself together somewhat.
I am slowly moving to making better food choices and have been doing my yoga every morning. I am keeping up with my meditations and am working on a better sleep schedule. I have also incorporated some simple ritual into my morning quiet daily because my spiritual is very important to me.
A habit I have gotten into in order to deal with Miss Nancy is to carry around a small notebook in which to write what she says to me. I find this an excellent way to address why she is being such a see-you-next-Tuesday and deep dive into what is causing her to be so mean. Once I realize she is mumbling something hideous, I immediately say “STOP!” , open the notebook, and jot down her commentary.
Later, I will take time to read it back and ask myself how it makes me feel. I explore what reasoning this has, what triggered it, and try to remember a time when this may have occurred before. What is my earliest memory where something happened to make me feel this way.? When did this become a part of how I identified my self worth? How could this have happened differently in a manner that was more supportive? What did I need in that moment?
Often, I will then write the statement to reflect a more positive look at it, what challenge this brings me, and even how I thought things should have been. I do this as often as necessary until Miss Nancy understands that I refuse to accept her mean girl mentality and that I choose to offer love in its place.
I also begin my day with a small sun ritual to bring in some light and warmth. I find it sets the tone before I start my meditation and helps me to focus on a brighter start.
In the quiet place before my ancestors, I settle comfortably on my cushion. I have a candle, usually something seasonal to honor nature’s cycles, sitting in front of me. I spray myself with my meditation spray, breathe deeply, and speak to greet the day – “in flame, in fire, light that warms my soul, sacred sun”. I then light the candle. In the flame’s warmth, I take up my Mala beads, close my eyes, and move into meditation.