I was listening to her speak about the collective sister wound and how she felt this was a leftover from the witch trials.. of those forced to turn on each other or face even more horrid consequences. Was this wound set into motion at that time? It is an interesting theory for sure, but I don’t have that answer. What I do know is that it seems to be alive and well.. but I have hope for that to change.
That night I dreamt about spiders. I was exploring a cave with a female friend that I could not see. My brother was ahead helping to clear. He said to us that there was nothing there but sh*t and graves.. and to watch out for the spiders. We had been covered in spiders this entire time. I told him that I had already been bitten. I told him that Grandmother said it was okay. The four of us, if I include my unseen grandmother, moved further on.
The number four is the numerology for the year 2020.. which is of the heart. It is the number of compassion, letting go, stability, vision, and doing the work to cultivate these things. In today’s climate, all of that feels very needed. I know many feel the same. Changes need to be made to heal this wound.. to heal and support our fellow. I only have what I can do.. but ripples, no matter how small, still bring movement. My sisters, please join me.
One thing I am learning is that I have to pay better attention to what my body is telling me. I also need to learn to let go a bit and better embrace my new normal. I tend to, even now, overdo things. I spread myself thin and then when I can’t do, I feel lesser or worse.. resentful. This had spilled over most often into my relationships.
These days I have stepped back quite a bit. I spend most of my time at home. I reach out less often because, frankly, I am still spending most of my time trying to figure this out. Yes, I have lost contact and most have dropped away but I can’t feel bad about that. I am doing what is needed to heal.
I spend good days with those I love and the not so taking care of myself as best I can so I can have more good days. When I find myself troubled with something that needs to be set free, I have a little ritual of letting go.
I light a candle, often one with a soothing scent if I have one on hand.. and let’s face it, I am a bit of a candle whore so that’s usually not a problem. I write what it is on a peace of paper (or a bay leaf from the kitchen – very cleansing) and hold it to my heart. Sometimes I do this sitting by my hearth where I keep a place for my ancestors to seek guidance.
Often I just hold it in my mind with just a simple “I choose to no longer hold space for this”, and then I set it aflame. This is the burning away of that which is no longer needed.
I may return the ashes to the earth of the garden and let the wind peacefully carry them away. If at anytime it sneaks back into my thoughts, I acknowledge it and set the thought aside. I have already released this, no point in holding on to it or bringing it back. I can only do my best, and right now I am healing and making space for better things.
Someone once said to me that I was a mirror.. that sometimes people see in me things of themselves they aren’t prepared for reflected back. This, I believe, may have been them eluding to the fact that I tend to ask the uncomfortable questions.. or I used to.
These days I am doing my best to keep to keep my doors locked and my trap shut. I have lost many a friend with honest advice and so now I just don’t let so many people in. I write here as an outlet, a journal of sorts.. and this seems to keep me in the quiet for the most part.
Recently something similar floated over to me during a class – the universe as a mirror reflecting back to us our hidden bits. These are those things about ourselves that we don’t own up to, need to work on, or just don’t like.. and often we judge others on those same things. We may not even realize it.
I picked three trigger words to work on. These are words that if I turn them onto myself really bring forth a negative emotional response and/or are things I find myself judging people on (and so by said theory are things related to my shadow in some form) – self-centered, manipulative, and insignificant.
I have spent quite a bit of time this week living with those words and what it was in essence that originally makes them triggering for me. I am working through taking away their power as we speak and replacing them with kinder ones.. a practice to carry with me.
I had been sliding carelessly (okay – sometimes ardently) into a life of negative. I would like to say the devil made me and outside influences contributed but the truth of it is this – we make our own decisions.
I had become over critical, judgmental, a speaker of ill words.. and I had pushed the work needed on myself to the side. I thought somewhere in the unaware that I was helping people to heal.. or that was the initial idea. At any time I could have stopped cuddling up to my egotistical mean girl and been better.
There was no a-ha moment, by the way.. no “you are being a total ass” sign being held up by the universe. I came about the realization almost immediately and should have stepped away from all parties then. I almost did.. but for the need to be there. Misguided though it was but the road to hell and all that..
Awareness evolved slowly as I started this new journey of self in an effort to find my best healthy and by way of something completely unrelated.. possibly. It is/was way to late but I got there, or more so that I am getting there. Okay – I am working on it.. this process of self (re-discovery)? I hope you know I have deep regret.
I started with simplifying things.. pretty much dropping everyone and everything that wasn’t working for me that I feasibly could. I still am, just a bit more slowly now as I feel my way around.. away from what stressors and unhealthy associations I can.
Right now I am focused on shaping my new normal and what is going to work best in my life moving forward.. in my relationships, in my spiritual, and in my day to day. I am wiping my slate clean(ish) and embracing this softer, fluffier new.. yet again the fool, only this time by my own choice.