sacred sun

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A few new moons ago had me pulling “worth” from the moon deck – teaching your inner negative Nancy to be more supportive, and freeing yourself from critical thoughts towards body and worth. I honestly felt that I didn’t need that work. However, as I took the time to pay more attention to how I saw and spoke of myself, I realized that I did – the deflecting, the pulling away from affection, the joking self deprecation, and even my lack of caring for myself on most days.

I was having trouble making peace with my new form. My body and self worth had indeed changed. In this new I cannot be as spry, my sleepless habits can be read in the lines on my face, and I am quite a bit rounder than I have ever been. Yes, I had been quietly shaming myself for longer than I cared to admit.

Over the next few weeks, I started the process of organizing most of that which makes up my day to day in order to simplify and take back my worth inside and out. My work closet (because we all know it’s the clothes fault that I feel hideous and unkempt) is down to five tops and a few pairs of jeans that will make morning life easier.. bonus points for less laundry and not sacrificing feeling like I put myself together somewhat.

I am slowly moving to making better food choices and have been doing my yoga every morning. I am keeping up with my meditations and am working on a better sleep schedule. I have also incorporated some simple ritual into my morning quiet daily because my spiritual is very important to me.

A habit I have gotten into in order to deal with Miss Nancy is to carry around a small notebook in which to write what she says to me. I find this an excellent way to address why she is being such a see-you-next-Tuesday and deep dive into what is causing her to be so mean. Once I realize she is mumbling something hideous, I immediately say “STOP!” , open the notebook, and jot down her commentary.

Later, I will take time to read it back and ask myself how it makes me feel. I explore what reasoning this has, what triggered it, and try to remember a time when this may have occurred before. What is my earliest memory where something happened to make me feel this way.? When did this become a part of how I identified my self worth? How could this have happened differently in a manner that was more supportive? What did I need in that moment?

Often, I will then write the statement to reflect a more positive look at it, what challenge this brings me, and even how I thought things should have been. I do this as often as necessary until Miss Nancy understands that I refuse to accept her mean girl mentality and that I choose to offer love in its place.

I also begin my day with a small sun ritual to bring in some light and warmth. I find it sets the tone before I start my meditation and helps me to focus on a brighter start.

Sun Ritual

In the quiet place before my ancestors, I settle comfortably on my cushion. I have a candle, usually something seasonal to honor nature’s cycles, sitting in front of me. I spray myself with my meditation spray, breathe deeply, and speak to greet the day – “in flame, in fire, light that warms my soul, sacred sun”. I then light the candle. In the flame’s warmth, I take up my Mala beads, close my eyes, and move into meditation.

the sister wound

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I was listening to her speak about the collective sister wound and how she felt this was a leftover from the witch trials.. of those forced to turn on each other or face even more horrid consequences. Was this wound set into motion at that time? It is an interesting theory for sure, but I don’t have that answer. What I do know is that it seems to be alive and well.. but I have hope for that to change.

That night I dreamt about spiders. I was exploring a cave with a female friend that I could not see. My brother was ahead helping to clear. He said to us that there was nothing there but sh*t and graves.. and to watch out for the spiders. We had been covered in spiders this entire time. I told him that I had already been bitten. I told him that Grandmother said it was okay. The four of us, if I include my unseen grandmother, moved further on.

The number four is the numerology for the year 2020.. which is of the heart. It is the number of compassion, letting go, stability, vision, and doing the work to cultivate these things. In today’s climate, all of that feels very needed. I know many feel the same. Changes need to be made to heal this wound.. to heal and support our fellow. I only have what I can do.. but ripples, no matter how small, still bring movement. My sisters, please join me.

universal mirror

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Someone once said to me that I was a mirror.. that sometimes people see in me things of themselves they aren’t prepared for reflected back. This, I believe, may have been them eluding to the fact that I tend to ask the uncomfortable questions.. or I used to.

These days I am doing my best to keep to keep my doors locked and my trap shut. I have lost many a friend with honest advice and so now I just don’t let so many people in. I write here as an outlet, a journal of sorts.. and this seems to keep me in the quiet for the most part.

Recently something similar floated over to me during a class – the universe as a mirror reflecting back to us our hidden bits. These are those things about ourselves that we don’t own up to, need to work on, or just don’t like.. and often we judge others on those same things. We may not even realize it.

I picked three trigger words to work on. These are words that if I turn them onto myself really bring forth a negative emotional response and/or are things I find myself judging people on (and so by said theory are things related to my shadow in some form) – self-centered, manipulative, and insignificant.

I have spent quite a bit of time this week living with those words and what it was in essence that originally makes them triggering for me. I am working through taking away their power as we speak and replacing them with kinder ones.. a practice to carry with me.

the eagle’s vision

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“The eagle is strong medicine. She can soar the great heights and intuit the winds of change while maintaining a clear perspective and grounded connection to the earth”

The Moon Deck

As part of my new moon work, I am pulling a card and using it to work on self through to the next cycle. This past cycle was all about clarity. The card speaks of the voice that reminds us of who we are, and so started my work..

Who am I?

Am I happy with what I put out into the world?

What am I grateful for?

What do I want to manifest?

How can I do better?

Am I being kind in my actions?

Do I give love?

Do I allow myself to receive love in return?

What ripples am I sending forth?

Who do I choose to be?