the disease to please

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As I heard this saying filter across my tiny sphere of existence, I thought – yep, that is DEFINITELY me. I am that person, even to my own detriment, who will wear themselves down with the compulsion to help/please/fill needs. Often I become quite the Bitter Betty about it. The lesson is that giving should be done freely and without return expectations.

I do realize, of course, that this is not a fair response. After all, did I not give the permission to ask, ask, and even expect? Indeed I did. There is no use being cranky about it, but my ego doesn’t always read the memo.. hence the downward spiral of codependency and apathetic breakups. I am just no good at tribe.

As part of my full moon just past, I decided to explore an expected ritual.. or more that I took this class hoping for inspiration and received the usual cleanse-meditate-release formula. At the onset I was a bit bitchy about it (and the knock to my bank account) but I wound up getting a lot out of it. I had to eat my words.

I took the salt bath and oiled my skin. As I drank my special tea and started the meditation, I quickly found myself wandering off the given path onto my own. I have always been terrible with directions. In my mind’s eye, I pulled the moon’s energy into my body and focused on the drums beating as I walked to meet my ancestors. Bear kept a watchful eye on me along the way.

I asked them what was needed this cycle. The answer was swift – weed out the chatter and listen to the deep within.. boundaries, fear, and the need sickness are holding you. It is a time for shifting. When these unserving become, acknowledge them with gratitude for the lesson and move on. “Don’t dwell”, spoke the oldest woman sharply. She was new to me in this circle.. the hyenas near her were not. I left quickly and made my way back for the work ahead. Oh, and the release? I set to flame those things I was beating myself up with and went in about my evening.