underworld reflections

bonesclean

That day was an exercise on underworld and shadow. We paired off to revisit our last underworld experiences – shadows some of us were still working through, and in some cases we found ourselves baring our souls. Many of us were faced with strangers and yet, thought crept in.. were they truly? Spirit had brought us all there for a reason.. who’s to say.. who’s to say..

I was thankful to be paired with a beloved witchling that I had already shared some bonding with, although I wasn’t sure if that made such truths better or not so.. but at least a bit more comfortable for laying my bits of shadow and bone bare. Thought popped in of my journey card image and of the raven picking at the painful meaty bits still clinging to said bone.. and that’s exactly how I felt.

We spoke of shame, of fear, of missteps and of regret.. all those things one has lurking about in shadow still in need of some work. I could have skirted around and picked something easy, but I chose to pull no punches. I laid out my most ugly bits, tinged with regret in a sense, but not necessarily in the way one would expect. There was guilt in there but mostly a sense of failure.

So much had passed and those choices were made in what seemed another lifetime.. but the lessons were needed. For me, I think, it was the lingering shame and the feeling of inadequacy to be found in my failing.. forgiving oneself is really the hardest. I think it is important to acknowledge to those who walk the path with you, that even those of us who have walked a long time still make said missteps large and small. We are but human and sometimes our best isn’t always something great.. it is just all that we can do in that moment.. and that is okay.

Sitting across, baring my immense horrible, I wondered how they saw me now. Did they find me less of a person in my inadequacies? Was I this broken thing – tarnished and pitted? Was I unworthy? Was I no longer the same person in their mind? Was I going to lose this fledgling friendship because I allowed them to see those ugly bits? Were they having the same thoughts in reverse? It’s a very scary thing to allow one so close.. terrifying.

As Wendy wove through her song “Rewind”, it really sank in.. yes, we all would like to have that magical rewind button. We all have times when we feel fucked up and blind.. and that’s okay, at least for me. It’s all part of the journey and we’re allowed.

Looking across from my side, I saw a brave and beautiful soul scorched by the fire of past hurts.. vulnerable and yet backed with an extraodinary quiet strength just finding its way to the fore. I saw the struggle to be open warring with the need to withdrawal – something that I very much relate to. They were brilliantly equisite, even in the not-so-comfortable soft bits they were still adjusting to.. and in that too, there lay such beauty.. and I loved them all the more.

As I placed my written release in the cauldron dirt, I decided the time for hanging on was through. I was going to allow myself to let go of that burden, that shame. I was going to work towards self-forgiveness and move forward.. I hope they chose to do the same.

i heard our city humming

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** a well belated post..

I stood in the downtown for forty-five minutes without moving, I wanted to feel the stillness.. this from the Raven. The circumstances around this are not mine to share but it did bring to mind a post from the lovely Ivy and Wine on silence. I kept thinking about this rabbit downtown. I love that damn thing. Normally when I’m seeking a quietening, I put my feet in the dirt.. not this time. This time I ventured downtown. I slipped off my shoes and sat in silence under the rabbit. I listened. I inhaled. I felt. I spent some concentrated time witching in my little city.

I heard the hum of traffic and the murmurs of passing conversations.. sometimes the odd snippet of a raised voice. I heard the rabble of the shop doors. I drew in the scents of the many foods lingering in the air from the local eateries. I felt the warmth of the concrete underneath my feet where the sun had warmed it and that contrast to the cold brick against my back. I did a simple tree meditation.

I know that I’ve spoken of the city trees and the manicured places.. the seeming constraint of their barriers and the difficulty of finding a bit of wild when you are city bound. I often wonder if the trees are crying out at the injustice of being placed in such a state. Here is the thing though – they survive and in being placed so, they smooth out the concrete’s rough edges. They bring a sense of well being.. or at least they do to me.

I imagined my little body as a tree.. set in this little space and flanked by all the hardness of the buildings. Humans were moving about around me.. often not even taking notice. I was a little being unseen. I imagined reaching out, stretching toward the sky, and basking in the sunlight. I pulled in that air moving through the surrounding streets. I imagined my roots stretching deep within the earth beneath my confines.. spreading far beneath those buildings.. holding me steady and giving me strength. I felt the movement of all that was thriving there in the slow bustle.. not the hard pulse that I would imagine a larger city to have but the gentler steadfast humming that is our little city.

seriously lacking zen

My legacy – What will it be?
Flowers in spring,
The cuckoo in summer,
And the crimson maples
Of autumn..
 –   Ryokan   (1758-1831), Dewdrops on
a Lotus Leaf

Last weekend, I followed baby bear (aka serial killer gomi, my white cat) out into the overgrown backyard. My plans had fallen through and I thought that it would be the perfect chance to meditate for a bit, as it had been awhile. I was feeling restless. I had loads on the mind.. things where logic should rule and yet still does not. Said things needed serious pondering, and so I settled down in the garden still wild to do so.

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I gave it a good try, lotus style, but I just couldn’t seem to settle my thoughts. I realized that I have just not been keeping with my meditations as I should. My favorite introvert had gifted me a set of moqui balls quite some time ago to try out and so I took them in hand.. just having something tactile to focus on did seem to help. I wound up abandoning lotus and decided to lay down on the ground in my usual journey position for more body contact.. this seemed to help as well. In the eventually, I did manage a slight few moments of quiet but mostly my mind just wandered. I really needed to get to this more often. That day, however, the itch of things needing to be done was foremost in my thoughts and so I gave up to tend to the garden.. being it was the only thing I was ready to deal with.

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Formed of ironstone, moqui balls are slightly magnetic stones said to have definite male and female energies.. the rougher considered the male and the smoother, the female. Another said way to tell is to hold one cupped between your palms, concentrating on its vibrations. A stone that affects the upper body is said to be female, the lower body said to be male. Also called shaman stones, they are often used in healing to relieve energy blockages, physical discomfort, and also for balancing in meditation. For use in meditation, you hold the female in your left hand and the male in the right.. this is said to aid in grounding and relaxation, as well.