I had coffee with an old friend of mine a few weeks ago. Our relationship had ended badly. Honestly, I was worried about the stress of it at the time but it turned out we both needed to heal and reconnect. Old ills past were released and the time together was lovely.. turned out I need not have worried. In fact we have seen each other since and I look forward to the next cup of coffee we do get to sneak out for. I don’t leave the house much these days.
It has been very therapeutic doing my own quiet thing. This new work is bringing so much. I am finding that some of these healing bits are finding their way back and other things are slowly exiting. In some of the manifestation work I have been doing, valuing worth and the thoughts you put out calling in what is needed, I am finding it interesting what is surfacing. I am putting my trust in the universe. I went home that day of coffee feeling very at peace.
I had been sliding carelessly (okay – sometimes ardently) into a life of negative. I would like to say the devil made me and outside influences contributed but the truth of it is this – we make our own decisions.
I had become over critical, judgmental, a speaker of ill words.. and I had pushed the work needed on myself to the side. I thought somewhere in the unaware that I was helping people to heal.. or that was the initial idea. At any time I could have stopped cuddling up to my egotistical mean girl and been better.
There was no a-ha moment, by the way.. no “you are being a total ass” sign being held up by the universe. I came about the realization almost immediately and should have stepped away from all parties then. I almost did.. but for the need to be there. Misguided though it was but the road to hell and all that..
Awareness evolved slowly as I started this new journey of self in an effort to find my best healthy and by way of something completely unrelated.. possibly. It is/was way to late but I got there, or more so that I am getting there. Okay – I am working on it.. this process of self (re-discovery)? I hope you know I have deep regret.
I started with simplifying things.. pretty much dropping everyone and everything that wasn’t working for me that I feasibly could. I still am, just a bit more slowly now as I feel my way around.. away from what stressors and unhealthy associations I can.
Right now I am focused on shaping my new normal and what is going to work best in my life moving forward.. in my relationships, in my spiritual, and in my day to day. I am wiping my slate clean(ish) and embracing this softer, fluffier new.. yet again the fool, only this time by my own choice.
Years ago I went to New Orleans.. everything changed. I put my hand on Marie Laveau’s tomb and asked for movement. I received it. At the time I was there with my closest, it felt like home and we met many people.. some we would work with and some we would leave. Eventually we would leave each other to embrace diverging paths. As always, life does its thing.
I would have found myself there again this weekend, seeking that feeling of home, but I never made it.. a course on Baba Yaga who is ever with me calling. My body was/is just too tired. The city, however, still seems to be bringing me movement as I woke to revisit my old spiritual writings and in the end wiping them clean. My spiritual seems to be evolving.. softer.. simpler. I wanted to start this fresh, or as fresh as possible.. addressing the old and clearing way as a new journey seems to be emerging.