I had coffee with an old friend of mine a few weeks ago. Our relationship had ended badly. Honestly, I was worried about the stress of it at the time but it turned out we both needed to heal and reconnect. Old ills past were released and the time together was lovely.. turned out I need not have worried. In fact we have seen each other since and I look forward to the next cup of coffee we do get to sneak out for. I don’t leave the house much these days.
It has been very therapeutic doing my own quiet thing. This new work is bringing so much. I am finding that some of these healing bits are finding their way back and other things are slowly exiting. In some of the manifestation work I have been doing, valuing worth and the thoughts you put out calling in what is needed, I am finding it interesting what is surfacing. I am putting my trust in the universe. I went home that day of coffee feeling very at peace.
As I heard this saying filter across my tiny sphere of existence, I thought – yep, that is DEFINITELY me. I am that person, even to my own detriment, who will wear themselves down with the compulsion to help/please/fill needs. Often I become quite the Bitter Betty about it. The lesson is that giving should be done freely and without return expectations.
I do realize, of course, that this is not a fair response. After all, did I not give the permission to ask, ask, and even expect? Indeed I did. There is no use being cranky about it, but my ego doesn’t always read the memo.. hence the downward spiral of codependency and apathetic breakups. I am just no good at tribe.
As part of my full moon just past, I decided to explore an expected ritual.. or more that I took this class hoping for inspiration and received the usual cleanse-meditate-release formula. At the onset I was a bit bitchy about it (and the knock to my bank account) but I wound up getting a lot out of it. I had to eat my words.
I took the salt bath and oiled my skin. As I drank my special tea and started the meditation, I quickly found myself wandering off the given path onto my own. I have always been terrible with directions. In my mind’s eye, I pulled the moon’s energy into my body and focused on the drums beating as I walked to meet my ancestors. Bear kept a watchful eye on me along the way.
I asked them what was needed this cycle. The answer was swift – weed out the chatter and listen to the deep within.. boundaries, fear, and the need sickness are holding you. It is a time for shifting. When these unserving become, acknowledge them with gratitude for the lesson and move on. “Don’t dwell”, spoke the oldest woman sharply. She was new to me in this circle.. the hyenas near her were not. I left quickly and made my way back for the work ahead. Oh, and the release? I set to flame those things I was beating myself up with and went in about my evening.
“The eagle is strong medicine. She can soar the great heights and intuit the winds of change while maintaining a clear perspective and grounded connection to the earth”
– The Moon Deck
As part of my new moon work, I am pulling a card and using it to work on self through to the next cycle. This past cycle was all about clarity. The card speaks of the voice that reminds us of who we are, and so started my work..
Who am I?
Am I happy with what I put out into the world?
What am I grateful for?
What do I want to manifest?
How can I do better?
Am I being kind in my actions?
Do I give love?
Do I allow myself to receive love in return?
What ripples am I sending forth?
Who do I choose to be?
“Who is the old woman watching over you.. she seems to be guarding, and there may have been something on/over her head?” This was during the after consultation with the new massage therapist. Honestly I was about to call bullshit.. but then he said, “she smelled like old leaves.” Ahhhhh, I told him.. “Baba, old woman” and I left it at that.
Baba Yaga is ever with me, a constant in my spiritual and at the time I had gotten a bit slack in tending her. I was surprised at her patience and the first thing I did on the dark moon following my return to the work was clean her space, apologize, and offer her a giant glass of whiskey. I expect she is used to one losing their way.
Years ago I went to New Orleans.. everything changed. I put my hand on Marie Laveau’s tomb and asked for movement. I received it. At the time I was there with my closest, it felt like home and we met many people.. some we would work with and some we would leave. Eventually we would leave each other to embrace diverging paths. As always, life does its thing.
I would have found myself there again this weekend, seeking that feeling of home, but I never made it.. a course on Baba Yaga who is ever with me calling. My body was/is just too tired. The city, however, still seems to be bringing me movement as I woke to revisit my old spiritual writings and in the end wiping them clean. My spiritual seems to be evolving.. softer.. simpler. I wanted to start this fresh, or as fresh as possible.. addressing the old and clearing way as a new journey seems to be emerging.