authenticity, trusting the universe, and a bit of shadowy word vomit

“Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colors. And the people there see you differently, too. Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving.” – Terry Pratchett, A Hat Full of Sky

“ ‘Cackling’, to a witch, didn’t just mean nasty laughter. It meant your mind drifting away from its anchor. It meant you losing your grip. It meant loneliness and hard work and responsibility and other people’s problems driving you crazy a little bit at a time, each bit so small that you’d hardly notice it, until you thought that it was normal to stop washing and wear a kettle on your head. It meant you thinking that the fact you knew more than anyone else in your village made you better than them. It meant thinking that right and wrong were negotiable.” – TP, Wintersmith

For whatever unnamed reason, I’ve been getting the impression that people moving on the outs of my little universe are finding my turn of focus recently not exactly in line with how they view me.. or maybe it’s just that my inward chatter needs some addressing. I understand that completely. In either ways, I am still very much the witch (insert preferred descriptors here) that I’ve always been. You will still find me doing much of the work I always have, albeit in a much quieter and simpler manner.. my hut is just a bit more closed up for the moment due to a minor cackling.

I have found in this a need to focus on looking inward. If this seems very selfish, I assure you that it is. I own that. However, at the onset of trying to deal with some personal health earlier in the year, I realized that I was not at all who I wanted to be in many aspects and so, like all rickety huts, my foundation needed work.

I promise that it is indeed work to look deep into one’s own shadows.. there is no bypassing going on here. This said, I understand and acknowledge the validity of those feelings and you can kindly duck off to find your happy place with assurance that I love you and wish you all the goodness in the world. You do you, and I’ll do me. This is authentically where I choose to be right now.

Currently, I am working through and acknowledging my not so good bits, releasing them with the intention to not dwell overmuch, learning to honor my hell no boundaries (which btw is way overdue), and choosing to focus on what is good in my life and spiritual. This I plan to build on. Spirit, my ancestors, and trust in the universe will guide. I am doing this work with an open heart and open mind to the best that I can.

P.S. I have added a random adorable photo of the fat cat to perpetuate all the good feels I am sending your way. Doesn’t he have the best ever belly?

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the thoughts you put out

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I had coffee with an old friend of mine a few weeks ago. Our relationship had ended badly. Honestly, I was worried about the stress of it at the time but it turned out we both needed to heal and reconnect. Old ills past were released and the time together was lovely.. turned out I need not have worried. In fact we have seen each other since and I look forward to the next cup of coffee we do get to sneak out for. I don’t leave the house much these days.

It has been very therapeutic doing my own quiet thing. This new work is bringing so much. I am finding that some of these healing bits are finding their way back and other things are slowly exiting. In some of the manifestation work I have been doing, valuing worth and the thoughts you put out calling in what is needed, I am finding it interesting what  is surfacing. I am putting my trust in the universe. I went home that day of coffee feeling very at peace.

the disease to please

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As I heard this saying filter across my tiny sphere of existence, I thought – yep, that is DEFINITELY me. I am that person, even to my own detriment, who will wear themselves down with the compulsion to help/please/fill needs. Often I become quite the Bitter Betty about it. The lesson is that giving should be done freely and without return expectations.

I do realize, of course, that this is not a fair response. After all, did I not give the permission to ask, ask, and even expect? Indeed I did. There is no use being cranky about it, but my ego doesn’t always read the memo.. hence the downward spiral of codependency and apathetic breakups. I am just no good at tribe.

As part of my full moon just past, I decided to explore an expected ritual.. or more that I took this class hoping for inspiration and received the usual cleanse-meditate-release formula. At the onset I was a bit bitchy about it (and the knock to my bank account) but I wound up getting a lot out of it. I had to eat my words.

I took the salt bath and oiled my skin. As I drank my special tea and started the meditation, I quickly found myself wandering off the given path onto my own. I have always been terrible with directions. In my mind’s eye, I pulled the moon’s energy into my body and focused on the drums beating as I walked to meet my ancestors. Bear kept a watchful eye on me along the way.

I asked them what was needed this cycle. The answer was swift – weed out the chatter and listen to the deep within.. boundaries, fear, and the need sickness are holding you. It is a time for shifting. When these unserving become, acknowledge them with gratitude for the lesson and move on. “Don’t dwell”, spoke the oldest woman sharply. She was new to me in this circle.. the hyenas near her were not. I left quickly and made my way back for the work ahead. Oh, and the release? I set to flame those things I was beating myself up with and went in about my evening.

the eagle’s vision

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“The eagle is strong medicine. She can soar the great heights and intuit the winds of change while maintaining a clear perspective and grounded connection to the earth”

The Moon Deck

As part of my new moon work, I am pulling a card and using it to work on self through to the next cycle. This past cycle was all about clarity. The card speaks of the voice that reminds us of who we are, and so started my work..

Who am I?

Am I happy with what I put out into the world?

What am I grateful for?

What do I want to manifest?

How can I do better?

Am I being kind in my actions?

Do I give love?

Do I allow myself to receive love in return?

What ripples am I sending forth?

Who do I choose to be?

 

 

ever with me

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“Who is the old woman watching over you.. she seems to be guarding, and there may have been something on/over her head?” This was during the after consultation with the new massage therapist. Honestly I was about to call bullshit.. but then he said, “she smelled like old leaves.” Ahhhhh, I told him.. “Baba, old woman” and I left it at that.

Baba Yaga is ever with me, a constant in my spiritual and at the time I had gotten a bit slack in tending her. I was surprised at her patience and the first thing I did on the dark moon following my return to the work was clean her space, apologize, and offer her a giant glass of whiskey. I expect she is used to one losing their way.

nola on my mind

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Years ago I went to New Orleans.. everything changed. I put my hand on Marie Laveau’s tomb and asked for movement. I received it. At the time I was there with my closest, it felt like home and we met many people.. some we would work with and some we would leave. Eventually we would leave each other to embrace diverging paths. As always, life does its thing.

I would have found myself there again this weekend, seeking that feeling of home, but I never made it.. a course on Baba Yaga who is ever with me calling. My body was/is just too tired. The city, however, still seems to be bringing me movement as I woke to revisit my old spiritual writings and in the end wiping them clean. My spiritual seems to be evolving.. softer.. simpler. I wanted to start this fresh, or as fresh as possible.. addressing the old and clearing way as a new journey seems to be emerging.